dating

5 Things Claire Won’t Tell You About Flirting (But You Need To Know)

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From my scandalous “Our Town” high school theater days.

So Daily Dot has these two little articles, another one of those online lists about men and women and sex and what not. What do men not know about lady sex? Men and sex, what do women not know? That’s the whole deal.

Now, since my grandma (hi Grandma Mickie!) reads my blog, I am going to refrain from going into the gory details of my… interesting… love life (or many times, lack thereof). However, in the spirit of singlehood and the fact that it is Valentine’s Day and all that romantic stuff, here is another guide to the workings of my brain and my easily flustered heart if I should ever flirt with you.

  • We probably know each other (and we’re probably friends or acquaintances).

This is a habit that I picked up from high school when I first was becoming less afraid of actually talking to guys. I was swimming in a sea of testosterone whenever I went to band and took my place in the trumpet section, so I had to learn to become comfortable with the male presence. I grew to like having a lot of guy friends.

With that, and the nature of my easily-won-over heart, I have become enamored with a series of guy friends over the years. It’s not even that I think that you’re flirting with me. It’s that we had COFFEE or did some ACTIVITY together and WOW you’re a COOL HUMAN that’s a male and ATTRACTIVE and wouldn’t it be nice if we held hands and watched Star Trek together??

I’ll try to hide it as much as I can, but the descent into my self-conscious worrying will overtake my interaction with you…

  • If I am feeling awkward, I will do one of two things: become professional or pet you (fortunately, I no longer will punch you).

So at this point, I have told at least fifteen of my other friends, “Oh my GOSH I think I TOTALLY have a thing for [insert guy friend’s name here]!!” More likely than not, I can hear people sighing and saying, “That’s nice, Claire” through the words on the screen of my phone.

“Poor [so-and-so’s name]…” my mom will sometimes say.

Not that she doesn’t want me to pursue anyone. It’s that she knows what this particular guy is unknowingly in for.

I’ll try to play it cool really really hard with you. I’ll reward myself for every evenly spoken sentence or “haha” in my texts to you instead of “oh haha, how wonderfully droll!!”

But then my mind with begin to atrophy with worry. Why did I say that his shirt clung well? I think to myself after a conversation. That’s totally too noticeable. I can’t afford to be noticeable.

I am notoriously very obvious when I like you. So I try so hard to not be obvious.

What will end up happening is that if you say a cute or funny or nice or flirty thing to me, I’ll laugh, bury my hands in my face, hyperventilate a little, and then pet you. Yes, pet you. Normally on the back or the shoulder. Sometimes I won’t even touch you; it’ll be like air pats near your skin because if I actually do touch you, then I’ll explode or something.

The opposite of what happens, however, is just as bad. I’ll treat you like a fellow colleague in a fictionalized work environment. This is because while growing up, whenever social interaction terrified me, I would retreat to academia.

I’ll ask you about the weather and your family and your homework like we might as well be talking in a cubicle. My texts to you might as well have a letterhead. The worst, however, is if I shake your hand like we just make a business transaction. That’s when I know in my heart that I really can’t overcome my own flustered nature, so why not shake your hand?

I used to be a bit rougher than I am now and would actually punch crushes or shove them out of chairs. It was like I was enacting some elementary school playground routine that I didn’t live out until I was sixteen.

  • Words don’t really work too well. And my texts to you become weird.

I touched on this slightly in the previous blurb, but this awkwardness becomes more prevalent as time goes on. I eventually will start my “double-texting” paranoia and I will soliloquy whenever I see you. I’ll cater my ranting to something that you’re interested in, like Star Wars or Arcade Fire or some form of sports and I’ll leave no space for you to respond since, well, I figure that if I do the talking for the both of us, then I don’t need to worry about what I’ve said and what you will say since I must’ve said something embarrassing anyway.

  • I will actually face plant on the floor and crawl away if it isn’t going to well.

God forbid I actually tell you how I feel about you. If you should ever reach this point with me, then I apologize. I apologize to those who have experienced this.

I’ll make sure to do this in person because if I do this in a text, it will be in the form of a fifteen-paragraph essay, many of it trying to explain my neuroses.

I will say at least five times, “Let me know if you feel uncomfortable! And it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way!” because I really don’t want you to feel off-put by me, even though it would probably be best if I said it once and didn’t keep bringing up being uncomfortable.

When I do actually tell you that I like you, I’ll whisper it or I won’t actually say it because I don’t want to believe that I am exposing myself the way that I am. I want to pretend like if I can’t hear myself say it, then you never will know what I am even saying.

Normally, I’ll joke about it and say some silly thing and most of the time you’ll be really understanding and tell me that either you’re interested or that you aren’t for different sorts of reasons.

My reactions range from being bashful and giggly to asking you why or why not so that I can add to my mental list of my social behavior to falling on the floor and crawling away. I will just go down like a tree being chopped. It doesn’t matter where – it could be in a normal room or somewhere as public as a bar. And this will be the one time where I actually am not thinking of the sanitary texture of the floor.

  • I will friendzone myself, but in the end, I am okay with this (and a lot of the time, it’s what I want anyway).

Normally after these experiences, I will give myself some time to cool down. I’ll back off for your sake or for my sake or for both of our sakes. I’ll focus on my life with my friends and family and school and work and go back into a normal sort of routine. I have a lot going on, so it’s easy for my mind to swim around with all of the things of life, man.

And then, happily more times than not, we’ll circle back around. We’ll laugh it off or we won’t even bring it up. We’ll catch up and we’ll have a good time talking. A lot of the time, we’ll become friends, the kind of friend that knows that even if you go into my heart and I become flustered, I won’t get you out of my mind. Because you’ll be important to me regardless of what happens.

10 Signs You’re Dating a Claire, Not a Woman, Not a Girl

 

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This article on Elite Daily made me angry.

So did this article.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the most timely of responses since it was posted a few months ago. Regardless, if you would so indulge me for a second, I would like to briefly get on my high horse and hope that it doesn’t gallop off into an open grassy area surrounded by a forest, which is what happened to me in elementary school at a Girl Scout camp. Anyway, aside from emotionally scarring animal stories, I will say that I like sharing and bookmarking fun articles. Who doesn’t? This article, however, I would not include in that collection.

This particular article goes further than, say, quirky seasonal accessories or the best beers to find in Greenwich. When an article on a website criticizes people for just being people, it just becomes a breeding ground for over-generalized comments and perpetuates this idea for the search of utter perfection. Even more than that, these articles can reemphasize gender stereotypes that are already ever so prevalent in media and society.

Also, in simpler terms, I was miffed at reading something like that, especially since it was written by a dude. So what if I eat a salad every now and then and then eat Cheez-Its at home? So what if I have a night where I drink a little too much and think that I became best friends with the bartender? So what if I watch reruns of The Bachelor? Personally, I think that Juan Pablo is a cretin.

So, I’ve come up with a list of my own.

“1. Girls like to dress in revealing clothes because they think they look sexy – women know they look sexy no matter what they wear.”

Claire just doesn’t know when she looks sexy and it’s probably better if you don’t tell her if she does happen to look sexy.

I mean, I know I have curves. And I like funky shawls and boots. Those are fashionable things. I used to not be fashionable at all (ask my sister). But if you tell me that I look hot, it’s likely that it won’t even register. Especially if you are an attractive man. It’ll be overload for me. I already know I look nice for myself, which is a huge personal accomplishment for me to actually like my appearance since I used to have serious confidence issues about my physicality. So if you tell me that I look nice then you’re going to ruin everything. What will happen is that I’m going to have to then deal with my emotions of me feeling good about looking nice and then I have to take into account that you have a standard for me looking nice and that it is probably making you think happy and sexy thoughts of me. Which is too much. I need to deal with my own happy emotions; you just keep it to yourself.

“2. Girls expect their men to know how they feel and what they’re thinking – women use their words.”

Claire expects you to know how she’s feeling and she uses a lot of words. And then Claire cries.

There is a select few of you that, unfortunately, know the depth of my rare confrontational skills. It involves me questioning what you are doing while simultaneously me questioning what I am doing. Then I explain the entire situation, pretty much more to myself rather than you after awhile so I can make sure that I am understanding what I am actually saying. Then I’ll realize that it probably wasn’t even that big of a deal anyway and I’ll cry for feeling bad that I put both of us through twenty minutes of me frustratedly talking to myself.

“3. Girls expect you to pay the tab – women are financially independent.”

Claire will either mooch off of you like a leech or offer literally everything to you such as water from her water bottle that’s two days old.

Listen, we all like free meals, right? We all like free rides to places, right? Free stuff is free stuff. If you offer me pie, I’m going to eat pie. If you offer to buy me a burrito, of course I’m going to eat a burrito.

At the same time, I enjoy being obnoxiously generous. Please, take my day-old cheeseburger. I don’t want you to be hungry. I want you to be well-fed. Eat it. Eat it now.

“4. Girls go out and get wasted – women can hold their liquor and know their limits.”

Claire should probably just stick to beer.

I like going out and about. I will be messy sometimes. I will be classy at other points. We can all agree that I should mainly stick to my beer snobbery and indulge in craft ales and lagers. If I venture into the tempting realm of whiskey, it is not uncommon to see me cry during various experiences. These range from being overwhelmed by too many people at a party to explaining why Arcade Fire means so much to me, man.

“5. Girls can’t wait to update their Facebook status to “In a relationship” – women forget they have a Facebook.”

Claire will post pictures of all of her pseudo-boyfriends regardless.

I have a boyfriend. His name is Leo. He’s so handsome and has amazing dancing skills and is willing to let loose and play with water guns during the summertime. There’s something I haven’t told him, though. He doesn’t know about Key… or Corey… or Dev or Dan or Benedict. I did tell him that it was an open relationship, though, so he shouldn’t be too upset…

“6. Girls watch junk TV – women read.”

If you talk about a book or a television show to Claire then she will dissect every element of the story so you won’t ever want to hear the words “Sherlock Holmes” or “Ex-Parrot” ever again.

When I’m in my happy place, I’m in my happy place and I will bring you there. Other trigger words include “Heisenberg,” “Santaland,”and “MeowMeowBeenz.”

“7. Girls talk about trivial matters – women know how to hold a stimulating conversation.”

You don’t even need to be there for Claire to have a conversation.

There’s home video footage of my mom trying to talk to me while I’m playing with my Babe stuffed animal. In it, she’s trying to ask me what I’m doing, etc. All I am doing is quietly talking to myself, to Babe, and responding to myself as Babe. Ranging from excitedly listing out songs to put on my next playlist while walking around campus to chastising myself for forgetting to get milk while leaving the grocery store, things haven’t changed much since then.

“Claire… I just sometimes hear you randomly talk,” my sister will say.

“Yeah, like you’re in the bathroom washing your hands or something and I’ll wonder who else is in there,” my brother will say.

I’m not talking to anyone else… except for Tony.

“8. Girls eat salads – women eat whatever the hell they want.”

Claire likes eating pizza and will lose respect for you if you diss deep dish pizza.

It’s a meal, people. It’s supposed to have substance. That’s what food is, isn’t it? Not just a snack that you eat in two minutes, you know? Not that I don’t like New York-style, I do, I really do, and yeah, it’s more popularly seen throughout the country. But that’s the beauty of Chicago-style pizza, my friends. You want to have something that is unique to a region? You go anywhere outside of the city or the suburbs and it’s going to go downhill from there.

“9. Girls stick to what they know – women are always searching to widen their horizons.”

Claire knows everything.

Be afraid.

“10. Girls need guardians – women don’t need anybody but themselves.”

Claire likes people but there are some that are just cumbersome and aren’t worth trying to understand. So whenever those people give her trouble, she just watches a show or a film and pretends that she’s Claire Underwood or Amy Dunne or Mindy and becomes friends with these characters in her mind.

I have my family, my friends and then my characters. It’s a pretty good support system.